JUST GET OVER IT

How many times have you heard someone tell you to “just get over it” or to “stop complaining”? Whether you’re going on about something as ‘small’ as your shitty job, a toxic relationship, a messy argument or something ‘greater’ like witnessing a disaster or the death of a loved one, you can’t seem to find yourself being able to let it go. But why do you keep speaking about it to anyone who will listen? Why do you continue to relive it? Why can’t you just get over it?

First of all, the reason we continue to rave on about a traumatic experience is to try and understand it. The desire to understand why it happened and how we fit into it sees us becoming infatuated with it. To try and understand - we analyse the situation intently by dreaming, imagining and talking about it. Thinking about different outcomes, different endings and ways that the event could’ve been avoided. We begin analysing our involvement, whether we could have done something or said something differently. In roll the thoughts of “was it my fault?”

So why are we so adamant to put together the pieces of the puzzle?

This is because we are social bonding animals and when our ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ to the groups around us is threatened our defence mechanism of FIGHT or FLIGHT is activated. When a traumatic experience occurs that we do not understand, we begin questioning this bond, feeling threatened and as though our survival is at risk.

Now with our survival feeling threatened and our inability to comprehend the experience, we begin questioning who we are. Our beliefs on who we are after the trauma are altered and if we don’t understand who we are, we’re unable to understand how to be in our world, how to respond to the world around us. Questioning ourselves leaves us realising that there are pieces of the puzzle missing, pieces that we so desperately need to put the puzzle back together. So what do we do? We talk about the experience. We continue on, and on, and on with the desperation of regaining understanding. We feel as though this understanding of how we fit into it will allow us to find those missing pieces.

All of this is a manifestation of unresolved trauma and experiences. As our inability to understand courses through our body, leaving us in a sustained FIGHT or FLIGHT response. We are then unsure of ourselves and there is a lack of trust in our ability to respond appropriately. Our ability to respond and keep us safe. Our ability to survive.

We crave this understanding so desperately that it becomes consuming. Without being able to understand the experience, we are unable to let it go. To just “get over it”. We lack trust in ourselves to move forward with life. We become stuck.

So next time you hear someone raving on about the same experience that you’ve heard about time and time again - just remember that they are trying to understand it, trying to understand themselves and they cannot simply ‘GET OVER IT!’

Original Content written by Carolyn Farnan and sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

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What a SHAME

“I’m not good enough”

“I shouldn’t have done that”

“I should be doing more”

“I’m so lazy”

“I’m not worthy”

Shame - that voice in your head making you believe that you are flawed, that you are not worthy, that you do not belong. The voice that eats away at your self worth, causing you to overthink and over analyse.

Slipping into a spiral of shame overflows out of your own head and begins to affect other aspects of your life. And if that shame is prolonged - it becomes immobilising. It removes your rose-coloured glasses from your face and swaps them with a gloomy grey pair making you question everything from your physical appearance to your behaviours to your values and most importantly to your worth in society.

So where does shame come from?

Shame is a learnt behaviour. As children we are carefree and curious. Testing boundaries and not looking over our shoulder at what others may think of us. Though as we grow older, the desire to ‘fit in’ and ‘belong’ becomes necessary for our survival. Or at least that’s what we perceive to be necessary.

We are social bonding animals - pack animals. Throughout the generations of evolution we have learned that being a part of a ‘pack’ maximises our survival, so we actively seek creating bonds to feel safe. Bonding with others also releases our happy hormones and encourages us to make connections. Holding these connections accountable for our safety and happiness.

It is when our ability to ‘fit in’ is threatened that we begin to feel shameful. We fear losing that safety and happiness. We fear the feeling of not belonging. We slip into the spiral of shame and the gloomy grey coloured glasses come on. Wearing these glasses long term dysregulates your autonomic functioning and causes long term side effects of worthlessness, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, guilt, codependency. It is a killer of kindness, compassion, confidence and self-love.

So what can we do about it?

To overcome shame, having compassion and awareness is the first step. Try meditating and sitting with your shameful thoughts, separating who you are as a person from who your internal monologue is telling you you are. Shame can not be overcome with toxic positivity, you are not trying to convince yourself into a new belief but rather combatting that belief with kindness. When feelings of shame arise, it is easy to over analyse and sink into a hole of self-negativity. Next time, try separating the judgement by counteracting these feelings with a comment of understanding.

Alternatively, of course, the best practice to overcome shame would be to work with a practitioner (such as Aaron) to dive deep into where your shame stems from.

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ANXIETY & PANIC ATTACKS

Did you know you can actually control your anxiety and panic attacks in the matter of minutes?

I know, I know!! It sounds too good to be true right?. But believe me, it’s very possible and with some practice - you can become a pro and take back control of your anxiety.

But before you learn how to be a pro, It’s also important to understand why you have anxiety and panic attacks, so let me give you a run down of how and why anxiety and panic attacks occur.

Anxiety is a symptom of our FIGHT and FLIGHT response and stems from negative experiences and unresolved trauma in our life that made us feel unsafe and endangered which on some level threatened our survival. Be that a car accident, relationship breakdowns, being bullied at school or socially to just name a few.

While we have unresolved trauma and negative experiences, we now have to be on high alert just in case these experiences which made us feel unsafe happen again. We search for triggers that are a part of the original experience and store them in our subconscious - leaving us ready to identify them next time they come up. This enables us to be on high alert - we do all of this subconsciously - so we can now be ready to flight - run or fight - stand our ground if the same experience happens again.

As we wait and wait for these traumas to surface again. We keep searching for the triggers, in day to day life, holding onto the possibility that the original experience or trauma will reoccur and we will be in danger again. This leaves us feeling out of control or lacking control of our own life. It’s when we can’t control or avoid the triggers that anxieties become heightened, our natural state of being is threatened, and if bad enough - panic attacks occur.

Remember, anxiety exists only because the original trauma or experiences remain unresolved. This means that we have not been able to understand the experience in a way that answers the question: can I still be ME now given what has happened? If the answer is “no” or “I don’t know” then we don’t understand why the experience or trauma happened and we need to use our survival system in case it happens again. It’s not about reason, logic or probability, it’s about the possibility of it occurring again.

Obviously, the best way to manage anxiety is to search deep and be able to resolve traumas - get to the bottom of why you felt threatened in the first place and overcome these triggers so they no longer affect your day to day life. Learning how to trust yourself, identify triggers and respond to them in a manner that doesn’t send our survival system into overdrive is and always should be the priority. However, this is not the quick fix that I promised in the beginning of this blog.

By learning strategies that benefit our “thrival” response rather than our “survival” response - we can learn how to effectively manage our anxiety and overcome panic attacks quickly. Carolyn Farnan from Resolve Beyond Neurology suggests a great strategy: the 4-by-4 breath and can get us out of a full state of panic within minutes. It is recommended that this strategy is practiced when in a state of calm first so you are ready to execute like a pro when anxious or panicked.

The 4-by-4 breath

Step 1: Match your breathing by counting to 4 on the fingers of each hand

Practice this when you’re relaxed and not anxious. The purpose is to match your counting with your breathing. If the breathing is panicked and fast - then count fast, if it is slow and steady - then count slow and steady. We are not modifying our breath, just matching it.

Start by holding your hands in front of your face with palms facing towards you and fingers spread. Count off each finger by facing it towards your palm as you breathe in: 1-2-3-4. Then repeat with your other hand as you breathe out: 1-2-3-4. Try to watch your fingers moving with your breath - this allows you to take control of your focus by distracting you from the trigger. It is normal for your counts to be faster when you breathe in and slower as you breathe out. Get yourself into a comfortable rhythm and then you’re ready to move onto step 2.

Step 2: Introduce a hold for a count of 1 after an in-breath

Using your left hand, match your in-breath and count off each finger as per step 1, then before moving onto counting your out-breath - hold for a count of 1. Then continue to breathe out still matching your counts to breath. (Note: we are only holding after the in-breath and not the out-breath). Do this for 4 cycles of breath and once you have found your rhythm move onto step 3.

Step 3: Extend the breath-hold after an in-breath gradually for a count of 4

As per step 2, extend the hold for a count of 2 and repeat for 4 cycles. Then extend the hold for a count of 3 and repeat for 4 cycles. Finally hold for a count of 4 and repeat for 4 cycles. It's important to take your time and get into a rhythm before moving onto the next hold - this allows for a gradual reduction of anxiety and panic as you progress through each cycle. If it doesn't feel to be working, simply do more repeat cycles. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Step 4: Practice, Practice, Practice

It's super important to practice this when you are not anxious or panicked. If you are already in survival mode and trying it for the first time - your body will struggle to follow the steps as it has already prioritised the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. This will feel difficult at first, which is why we suggest practicing it when you are relaxed. Practice it over and over so by the time your next panic attack arises you’ll be a pro.

As mentioned before, the 4-by-4 breath is a great strategy to quickly shut down a panic attack or overwhelming feeling of anxiety. BUT if you’re ready to really step out of survival mode and begin thriving again, it's time to get in contact with Aaron. Book in a session TODAY to work through those unresolved traumas and get to the bottom of what is triggering your anxiety.

Original Content written by Carolyn Farnan and sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

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