Internal vs External Validation

People will tell you that you “should '' focus on building Inner confidence, self-worth, self-love, and self-validation.

But what if you can’t build it due to unresolved trauma? What if due to the trauma and experiences in your life you BELIEVE that you’re not good enough or unworthy? How then can we build these things if our beliefs are directly the opposite?

When we're born, we come into this life with the innate expectation of nurturing, acceptance, and validation of our expression of our true self. Whether it's from our parents, family, teachers, or peers, we're constantly seeking approval to feel like WHO WE ARE is GOOD ENOUGH to be accepted, nurtured, and validated.

While the expectation of validation from others is normal, it’s when you rely on this external validation to feel good enough that it becomes an issue, the more we seek and receive external validation then the more we need it in order for us to feel that we’re good enough and hence good about ourselves. Not feeling good enough has now become a threat and we automatically respond with Fight, Flight, Fawn or Freeze which can lead to feelings of anxiety, insecurity.

Here’s the bombshell!!!! If we rely on external validation to feel good enough then, we will NEVER actually feel that we’re good enough.

The reason being is that other people can’t MAKE us feel invalidated…It’s our own beliefs about ourselves which we’re responding to.

Yes really!!

It's important to recognise the difference between internal and external validation, and why resolving the reasons you can’t stop seeking externally for validation.

As mentioned above, External validation is the need for others to approve of our choices and actions which are an expression of our true self. This often comes in the form of compliments, praise, or positive recognition from others. While receiving validation from others can feel good in the moment, it's often temporary and relies on the perceptions of others.

On the other hand, internal validation is the ability to accept and approve of ourselves and our choices which once again are an expression of who we are.

It's the ability to recognise our own worth and know that we’re ENOUGH and always have been, regardless of the opinions and perceptions of others.

Internal validation is built on self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. When we focus on building our inner confidence and self-worth along with RESOLVING the experiences in life that have caused us to believe we’re not good enough, we're less likely to be swayed by the opinions of others, and we're better equipped to handle criticism or rejection in a healthy way.

So why is it important to RESOLVE and focus on building inner confidence and validation?

YOU BECOME LESS DEPENDENT ON EXTERNAL VALIDATION

As you become more confident within your own skin and own choices – you are less likely to seek approval from external sources. This is when you begin to feel comfortable with being independent and are happy to live life on your own terms without craving validation from others.

YOU’RE BETTER EQUIPPED TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND REJECTION

When your self-worth begins to grow, and you stop seeking validation from external sources you become more equipped to handle criticism and rejection. By being self-aware, you are able to recognise that all people have different opinions and somebody’s criticism of you does not define who you are or decrease your worth.

This is because the lack of insecurity that comes from internal validations allows you to realise that our worthiness comes from within and not externally.

YOU’RE MORE LIKELY TO MAKE CHOICES THAT ALIGN WITH YOUR VALUES

With internal validation comes the ability to make individual choices rather than decisions based on expectations coming from those around us. As you gain inner confidence, you are less likely to feel the need to ‘fit in’ or please everyone which leads to the ability to make decisions based on your own values and not the values of those around you.

So now we see the value of internal validation and why it is so important to stop seeking validation externally. But how exactly can we start building on our self-confidence and gain that inner validation? Here’s our 5 top tips:

1. Practice self-awareness

Take some time to focus and reflect on your own personal thoughts, feelings and actions. Allow yourself the opportunity to become aware and comfortable with your needs and desires as an individual.

2. Practice self-acceptance

We are all “flawed” – and that’s okay – so start by recognising and finding comfort in the idea that we are not perfect, and we all make mistakes. Accepting who you are, imperfections and all, allows room for self-worth and self-confidence to grow.

3. Practice self-love

Start by taking care of yourself, taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional being. This can be done by practising self-care activities, those activities that make you feel good – whether it be taking a hot bath or a walk with a friend, going to the beach and listening to the calm. It can be any activity that makes you feel whole, makes you feel peace, brings you to your happy place.

4. Set personal goals

Set goals that are specific to YOU, ones that help you focus on YOUR OWN growth and development. Set goals that are in alignment with your passions and what brings you the most joy and excitement in life - This is called living from your Heart.

By having personal goals that reflect this, you’re achieving something for YOU and allows us to stop seeking validation from others. Allow time to celebrate your successes and achievements and watch you find happiness in pleasing yourself rather than anyone else.

5. Get a kinesiology session

Book in a session with Aaron to RESOLVE any unresolved trauma that may be stopping you from doing any of the above no matter how hard you try.

Original Content sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology and written by Carolyn Farnan

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

Blog post written by Aaron Farrell and Allie Michelle Aitken

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JUST GET OVER IT

How many times have you heard someone tell you to “just get over it” or to “stop complaining”? Whether you’re going on about something as ‘small’ as your shitty job, a toxic relationship, a messy argument or something ‘greater’ like witnessing a disaster or the death of a loved one, you can’t seem to find yourself being able to let it go. But why do you keep speaking about it to anyone who will listen? Why do you continue to relive it? Why can’t you just get over it?

First of all, the reason we continue to rave on about a traumatic experience is to try and understand it. The desire to understand why it happened and how we fit into it sees us becoming infatuated with it. To try and understand - we analyse the situation intently by dreaming, imagining and talking about it. Thinking about different outcomes, different endings and ways that the event could’ve been avoided. We begin analysing our involvement, whether we could have done something or said something differently. In roll the thoughts of “was it my fault?”

So why are we so adamant to put together the pieces of the puzzle?

This is because we are social bonding animals and when our ‘bond’ or ‘connection’ to the groups around us is threatened our defence mechanism of FIGHT or FLIGHT is activated. When a traumatic experience occurs that we do not understand, we begin questioning this bond, feeling threatened and as though our survival is at risk.

Now with our survival feeling threatened and our inability to comprehend the experience, we begin questioning who we are. Our beliefs on who we are after the trauma are altered and if we don’t understand who we are, we’re unable to understand how to be in our world, how to respond to the world around us. Questioning ourselves leaves us realising that there are pieces of the puzzle missing, pieces that we so desperately need to put the puzzle back together. So what do we do? We talk about the experience. We continue on, and on, and on with the desperation of regaining understanding. We feel as though this understanding of how we fit into it will allow us to find those missing pieces.

All of this is a manifestation of unresolved trauma and experiences. As our inability to understand courses through our body, leaving us in a sustained FIGHT or FLIGHT response. We are then unsure of ourselves and there is a lack of trust in our ability to respond appropriately. Our ability to respond and keep us safe. Our ability to survive.

We crave this understanding so desperately that it becomes consuming. Without being able to understand the experience, we are unable to let it go. To just “get over it”. We lack trust in ourselves to move forward with life. We become stuck.

So next time you hear someone raving on about the same experience that you’ve heard about time and time again - just remember that they are trying to understand it, trying to understand themselves and they cannot simply ‘GET OVER IT!’

Original Content written by Carolyn Farnan and sourced from Resolve Beyond Neurology

Blog post designed and edited by Allie Michelle Aitken

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Have you encountered an undesirable or traumatic experience and you want to "get over it"?

Get in touch with Aaron today!

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What a SHAME

“I’m not good enough”

“I shouldn’t have done that”

“I should be doing more”

“I’m so lazy”

“I’m not worthy”

Shame - that voice in your head making you believe that you are flawed, that you are not worthy, that you do not belong. The voice that eats away at your self worth, causing you to overthink and over analyse.

Slipping into a spiral of shame overflows out of your own head and begins to affect other aspects of your life. And if that shame is prolonged - it becomes immobilising. It removes your rose-coloured glasses from your face and swaps them with a gloomy grey pair making you question everything from your physical appearance to your behaviours to your values and most importantly to your worth in society.

So where does shame come from?

Shame is a learnt behaviour. As children we are carefree and curious. Testing boundaries and not looking over our shoulder at what others may think of us. Though as we grow older, the desire to ‘fit in’ and ‘belong’ becomes necessary for our survival. Or at least that’s what we perceive to be necessary.

We are social bonding animals - pack animals. Throughout the generations of evolution we have learned that being a part of a ‘pack’ maximises our survival, so we actively seek creating bonds to feel safe. Bonding with others also releases our happy hormones and encourages us to make connections. Holding these connections accountable for our safety and happiness.

It is when our ability to ‘fit in’ is threatened that we begin to feel shameful. We fear losing that safety and happiness. We fear the feeling of not belonging. We slip into the spiral of shame and the gloomy grey coloured glasses come on. Wearing these glasses long term dysregulates your autonomic functioning and causes long term side effects of worthlessness, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, guilt, codependency. It is a killer of kindness, compassion, confidence and self-love.

So what can we do about it?

To overcome shame, having compassion and awareness is the first step. Try meditating and sitting with your shameful thoughts, separating who you are as a person from who your internal monologue is telling you you are. Shame can not be overcome with toxic positivity, you are not trying to convince yourself into a new belief but rather combatting that belief with kindness. When feelings of shame arise, it is easy to over analyse and sink into a hole of self-negativity. Next time, try separating the judgement by counteracting these feelings with a comment of understanding.

Alternatively, of course, the best practice to overcome shame would be to work with a practitioner (such as Aaron) to dive deep into where your shame stems from.

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